I have Housisms on Facebook

"First, 'Hector does go rug' is a lame anagram. Want a better one for Gregory House? 'Huge ego, sorry.'"

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Quotes from CPR class

(first to set the scene: 8 groups of 3 in a semicircle, working on "manikins", "Staying Alive" quite literally playing in the background.)

"Do we change positions in 2 man CPR or do we just spin the baby around?" -OK that one was me

"Um, my baby's trachea popped out."
"To reinsert, peel his face off and grab it."

"It seems only men pass out in the video, how are we going to deal with boobs?"
"Whats really convenient is that everyone passes out in or near the hospital."

"Do you want the one that is damaged or the one that is lubed up?"

"Aw they dressed him up like a person."

Teacher: "Can you suggest some ways to remember everything you've learned today."
Class: Silence... but everyone thinking, "We just finished boards. I think we can handle remembering 2 breaths and 30 compressions for 2 minutes."
Teacher: "Well, at a party, you could bring it up and go through it with other guests as an icebreaker."
Class: Silence again... but thinking, "Ya, and then get punched for bringing up class while we're trying to get smashed."

Me taking my test, trying to be quiet b/c others are still talking the written portion-
Teacher: So you're in a bathroom with no one else is around, and see someone laying there unresponsive, what would you do?
Me: I would ask them if they are ok.
Teacher: Don't tell me, show me.
Me: But you asked...ok...uh, ma'am are you ok?
Teacher: Right but how would you say it?
Me: Uh, I'd shake her a little and be in her face.
Teacher: But how would you say it?
Me: How? Oh I guess very loudly.
Teacher: YES! You just kinda whispered it.
Me: Ya but we were told to whis...per...anyway, uh, next check breathing.
Teacher: Before that, what would you do?
Me: Nothing if nobody else is around.
Teacher: But you're in a bathroom.
Me: Where you said no one else is around.
Teacher: Well I would still shout just in case.
Me: Ok, I shout for someone to help then. Then I tilt the head, check for breath and there is nothing, so I give 2 breaths.
Teacher: What if that didn't work?
Me: Didn't work? To resuscitate her?
Teacher: No, what if the breaths didn't work?
Me: Like they didn't make the chest rise?
Teacher: Yes, what would you do then?
Me: Well, I would check for a foreign body.
Teacher: There isn't one, what else?
Me: There are a bunch of things I could do if I had the equipment I suppose.
Teacher: No no, what's something YOU could do?
Me: uhhhh....
Teacher: They mentioned it like a 100 times.
Me: uhhhh....oh, readjust the head tilt.
Teacher: YES!
Me: (in my head) AAAAAAAH!

-Michelle

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Dear Male Readers: Doctors don't strip their female patients

An exerpt from an awesome article about being a standardized patient:

Playing Doctor

Like many of the students, Dr. I was baffled by how to assess my
heart and lung function without breaching the fortress of my bra. Most
students, while listening through the stethoscope to my back, simply
worked around the bra. But Dr. I informed me he needed to unsnap it
(no, he didn't use the one-handed technique). Then he stood in front of
me, looked at my gown like a colonel contemplating an incursion, and
struck. He peeled off the top of the gown, dropping it into my lap,
slipped the bra off my shoulder, and left me hanging while he
protractedly listened to my heart. (Dear Male Readers: Doctors don't
strip their female patients.)

I sat there, as the tape ran,
debating whether to stop the exam. Sure he had on a white jacket and
was using a stethoscope, but in reality, Dr. I was no doctor, but just
a pimple-faced kid who'd taken off my bra. My pondering was interrupted
by an abrupt knock on the door. We looked over, and standing there was
the real doctor in charge of the program.

"No breast exam!" she
said firmly to Dr. I. He was left sputtering as she closed the door. I
redid my bra and put on my gown. Dr. I gamely tried to continue, but he
was so shaken he forgot to take my blood pressure, and before he could
get to my reflexes, an announcement over the PA said the time was up.
He had to put down his hammer like a contestant on Top Chef forced to drop the spatula before plating the side dish.

Apparenty at Georgetown they don't practice patient exams until 2nd year. For all I complain about it, this definitely makes me feel more confident in my education. I mean, at least I don't molest my patients. -Michelle

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COMLEX vs USMLE - a showdown where I lose either way.

1. REGISTRATION:
-COMLEX- sign up, pay, schedule and you're done. Pretty easy.
-USMLE- step 1)sign up and pay
step 2)get a photo, get your school to stamp something, mail it
step 3)wait
step 4)get e-mail confirmation and schedule it
winner: COMLEX,only one step = way easier

2. BREAKS:
-USMLE- A 10 minute break after every block? Plus lunch? I don't need all those. I'm taking my lunch break and that's it.
-COMLEX- I only get 2 breaks and lunch? But I neeeed breaks! You give me my breaks!
winner: USMLE, because I really only need breaks when they're not offered to me.

3. MULTIPLE QUESTIONS ON THE SAME CASE:
COMLEX has 'em, USMLE doesn't. So here are the pros and cons.
pros: 1) If you know something about a case, but that's not the first question they ask you, it could be the second. 2) If you know the answer to the first question about that case, it may help if the second question is a really simple question about your first answer. 3) Takes less time to read questions.
cons: 1) If you don't know the answer to the first question about a case, you might be screwed on the rest of them.
winner: COMLEX, clearly there are more pros than cons

4. MATCHING QUESTION:
COMLEX has 'em
winner: COMLEX, seriously who doesn't like matching questions?

5. NUMBER OF BLOCKS:
COMLEX- 8
USMLE- 7
winner: USMLE

6. PICTURES:
COMLEX- Is that what I think it is? It's a little fuzzy.
USMLE- Well clearly this is a nice picture. Not sure what the patient has, but it's a nice picture of it.
winner: USMLE, I like pretty pictures.

Okay, so it comes out as a tie. Regardless of which one's better I'd rather not take either of them again.........until next year when step 2 comes along.

Overheard on the first day of our last month of class

"We have ornithology next."
"Check that again, b/c this is just a hunch, but I don't think we are taking a class on birds."

"I'm so sleepy."
"Ya, this class on anesthesia is painful."

"You should follow that surgeon."
"Why? Is he good?"
"No, but you'll learn how to deal with complications."

Sound bites from the anesthesia video-

"Medicine is logic. If I can't think of it, then no one ever will."

"...he threw acid on prostitutes before ultimately killing himself."

"Med students of the past had parties with ether like today's students have beer parties or inhale marijuana."

A way to make a boards "a bit more interesting"

My proposal:

You should be able to mark whether you were just guessing. If you mark a question as a guess, then if you miss it, you just wouldn't get that point. If you get it right, you get 1 point.

Here's the interesting part. Say you were totally confident you knew the right answer. If you get it right, you'd get...2 points! But whoa now, if you get it wrong...you get 1 point deducted from your score!

Want to make it even more interesting? Set it up to where if you played it safe and marked guess on every single question, you'd need like a 90% to pass. So you'd have to gamble on the 2-pointers at some point.

Bwahaha!

In years to come, COMLEX test writers will site this entry as the reason I was never asked to contribute any questions to the boards.

This is your brain on studying too much (much like being on drugs)

A song I wrote today:

"Macaroni and cheese for breakfast...mmm its sooooo good...I don't care its not normally for breakast...b/c its so fucking cheesy and good"

Note the clever rhyme scheme.

"Josh probably thinks I'm high, but I'm not...I've just gone crazy...[pause]...crazy for macaroni & cheese!"