Saturday, May 12, 2007

What color is your self-loathing?

Alternate title: I’ve been reading too much dooce lately.


I think I like the red. Red like righteous anger. Cue waving fists at the sky. (Wave harder boy, wave harder!)


Cue realtime playback of my internal dialogue as a go through the day:

6:30AM: Ack my alarm, why for, how come you go off now? Oh ya, the test. Its not your fault I only got 2 hours of sleep last night, I apologize for punching you, alarm clock. Please don’t get your revenge by not waking me up from the nap I’m sure I’ll take later. Sorry, 7:30 tests piss me off. I know, though all tests this quarter have started at 8am, this one’s at 7:30am. Oh sure, because Michelle keeps passing all these tests despite her 10 hr/day loafing habit, lets see how she does if we continually chip a little more sleep away. Only in like half hour increments though ‘cuz maybe then she won’t notice. Bwahaha.

Ok, that test was less painful than I anticipated, I guess I’ll just check my e-mail, do a little surgery presentation review and then go take a nap. Let’s see…checking mail…nope, nothing! (Note this for later) Hmmm, what to review for surgery? I’ll go with some background on antidepressants and how they cause chronic constipation, then maybe how to do colonic lavage and manual fecal deimpaction. Mmmm. I really hope I get to talk about hooking up a catheter to the appendix and flushing everything out of the colon, while viewing on a proctoscope. I imagine it’d be like when you stand on the bridge after you ride the Tidal Wave at Six Flags. Whoosh!

…finally a nap. {head hits pillow for 2 seconds] Wait, what is that? WTF? Why is our lawn being mowed RIGHT NOW? Not 4 days after it was already mowed. And why do they keep banging the house right outside my bedroom window with the mower? I understand you need to get class but do you have to ram full speed into the house to do it? God/Buddha/Giant Spaghetti Monster- why won’t you let me sleep??

NOON: Well that 15 minutes of actual sleep was restful amidst the cutting of 1/4th of an inch off the lawn. And totally necessary. Because it really takes over an hour to mow the two thin strips of grass right outside the bedroom (the sarcasm thick as peanut butter here folks!) I suppose I should make an attempt to look presentable. Here, let me try putting in my contacts*RING* Ah! WTF?! [Answers phone] “Oh, you don’t say? We finally got the bill for the conference we’ve been trying to get for over a month and it has all sorts of odd drink charges like gin, margaritas, and $8 glasses of wine even though we made it clear to the vendor and the participants that it was only basic wine, beer and soda, nothing fancy? Oh, I see, and they also charged us for 97 drinks when there was only supposed to be 2 drinks per person and there was only like 30 people? Ya I’m gonna have to run the math, but I’d say thats supposed to be…uh…LESS. Hmm? HMM? Sorry can’t deal with this now. I know I no longer have time to put in contacts and do any kind of make-up or styling but I at least need to put on a bra and head out to do a presentation.”

1PM: Well our group doesn’t go on for a few minutes so I’ll nerd around on my pda and check my mail I haven’t checked in 3 hours. Oh whats this? An email saying my group met without inviting me. Or perhaps they just got my email wrong again and I missed it …sorry to break down this formula you have going, Mr. Assumes-everyone’s-email-is-their-first-initial-plus-their-last-name Guy, but my last name is the most common name short of Smith or Jones, so maybe you want to just look it up…it seriously takes 2 seconds. Well, they not only assigned me the one topic I have no knowledge of whatsoever, but also probably the #1 topic we’ll be pimped on! Thanks guys! I’ll become an expert here in 2 min from Wikipedia and then not answer anyway. I have perfected my “I could answer the question if I wanted to but I don’t want to be a show-off” confident stare. Fuck ‘em. We go up to do the presentation. We get pimped. They look at me. I look innocent. Someone else answers. See, not so hard.

Hi, Mr. restaurant manager/owner/mayor (no really, he actually is!), can you explain why there are only 45 tickets for drinks but we are charged for 97 drinks? Ya we counted, it doesn’t add up. And while we’re at it, can you explain why there are even mixed drinks on here when there was only supposed to be $4 wine & beer? Thats understandable you need to make a profit, sir, but its not what we discussed is it? I’m not sure why you are getting so defensive with me and lecturing me how no other restaurant would do these school event, and yes, I am sorry school events always cause you to lose money, but that is your problem. And actually, its a real easy problem to solve– don’t accept reservations/events where you anticipate losing money. I know I’m just in medical school, not the Wharton School of Business, but I think thats a pretty sound business practice. You know what else is? Not berating and generally being an asshole to consistent patrons. I’m outta here.

3PM: Can I take a nap now? PLEASE? Oh wait I promised I’d meet people at Yappy Hour. Dammit. Roxy, when are you going to learn to drive so you can take yourself? Oh, and pick up some milk and smokes on the way back.

Ever been so tired you CAN’T sleep? You waited too long and now its too late, you’re up? I waited too long. All I can do now is drink some rum, watch a movie, and chill out w/ Katie & Josh. Urge to kill lowering….lowering…what, Spidey isn’t on TV links?!…RISING…oh but Hot Fuzz is…lowering…lowering…gone :)

Aaaaaaaaw ya, boyeeee!

No comments: